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Megan's Dad: Dear Lord, please bless this food that we are about to eat. We thank you for the abundance that You have provided. Please help us to follow Your path, the one you intended us all to follow. And Lord... please help us to obey the roles in life You set for us. For all that is natural and... healthy... and sacred, in Your name we pray. Amen.
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Mike: I myself was once a gay. Now I'm an ex-gay, Megan. I work for a place called True Directions who help people, like yourself, to learn to understand the reasons behind homosexual tendencies, and how to heal them.
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Megan's Dad: Yes!
Mary: Almost lost her to college. It’s so much harder once they’ve been through all that liberal arts brainwashing, but we’ve saved a few.
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Narrator of True Direction video: No one would have guessed what would happen to this sweet little girl. By a young age, Kelly had a promising future: mommy's little helper and prom queen. Kelly had hopes to be a model one day. That is... until she was recruited into the homosexual lifestyle.
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Jan: Hi, Megan. I'm Jan, and I'm a softball player, and I'm a homosexual.
Sinead: I'm Sinead. I like pain. I'm homosexual.
Joel: I'm Joel. I'm a Jew. And I... ho-homosexual.
Graham: We met.
Mary: Graham.
Graham: I'm Graham, and I like girls, a lot. And I'm a homosexual.
Andre: Andre. Actor. Dancer. Homosexual.
Dolphe: Dolph. Homosexual. Varsity wrestler. How you doing?
Clayton: Hi. I'm Clayton Dunn. I work in retail, I'm a homosexual.
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Megan: I'm a homosexual! I'm a homosexual! I'm a homosexual! I'm a homosexual! [...] Oh my god... they were right. I'm a homo.
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Mary: This psychobabble, young lady is the only healthy alternative to the gay lifestyle. Other than guzzling a bottle of tranquilizers or slashing your wrists.
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Graham: My mother got married in pants.
Mary: All right, let's see, Dolph?
Dolph: Too many locker room showers with the varsity team.
Mary: Hilary?
Hilary: All girl boarding school.
Mary: Sinead?
Sinead: I was born in France.
Mary: Clayton?
Clayton: My mom let me play in her pumps.
Jan: I like balls.
Mary: Why thank you for that, Jan.
Mary: Joel?
Joel: Traumatic bris.
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Mike: Don't you see how sad and pathetic you all are, always wanting something... you can't have? If I catch you looking at another man like that ever again, you'll be watching sports the whole weekend!
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Megan: I think it might be my parents.
Mary: Okay, go with that.
Megan: You know we've kinda been like this greeting card family. And then there was that one year where... well Dad was unemployed and Mom had to support us.
Megan's Dad: Wait a minute, that was only for nine months. And then I was offered a much better job at the plant.
Megan: Maybe seeing Mom kind of being the Dad, maybe l maybe I got the wrong idea about the roles of men and women.
Mary: Absolutely. I can't believe that you didn't mention this earlier. Your father was emasculated, your mother was domineering.
Megan: Well not exactly.
Mary: You wanted to emulate your mother. You have no respect for men, because you don't respect your father.
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All [singing]:
5, 6, 7, 8, God is good, God is straight. 1, 2, 3, 4, inverts we will be no more. 5, 6, 7, 8, God is good, God is straight. Share this quote on facebook
Megan: From True Directions?
Lloyd: We were among Mary's ranks before we defected. We're just trying to provide you all with a balanced perspective, to see that there are options. In the end it's up to you whether choose to live a...
Larry: ...lie.
Lloyd: Whether you want to be who you are or keep it hidden, is really more what we're about.
Megan: So you run like, the underground homo railroad?
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Mike: Not yet, honey. You're almost there. And don't speak out of turn.
Jan: No, I know, I've never been gay.
Mike: Jan remember, you were molested. And just take a look at yourself.
Jan: Everybody thinks I'm this big dyke because I wear baggy pants, and play softball, and I'm not as pretty as other girls, but that doesn't make me gay. I like guys. I can't help it. I want a big fat wiener up my...
Andre: Amen, sister.
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Joel: No, I didn't go to the Cocksucker. I've never been to the Cocksucker. I won't. My cocksucking days are over. I am normal.
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Andre: Excuse me! The last thing I need right now is some fruit who's just proved he's straight telling my ass how sexy I am! Congratulations, liars! You know who you are and you know who you want. Ain't nothing gonna change that, shit!
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Mary [to Graham]: It's your choice; you can run off with Megan and turn into a raging bull-dyke, or you can do the simulation and graduate and lead a normal life.
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Megan: 1, 2, 3, 4 - I won't take no anymore! 5, 6, 7, 8 - I want you to be my mate! 1, 2, 3 ,4 - You're the one that I adore! 5, 6, 7, 8 - Don't run from me cause this is fate!
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Mary: Megan, you stop it, this instant! Because you will wallow in the smut of your homosexual depravity for the rest of your life!
Cast