Muppet Treasure Island (1996)

Share this quote on facebook The bar's closed.

Share this quote on facebook There's no one here, and I'm not a girl!

Share this quote on facebook Wherever the wind may take us!

Share this quote on facebook When you're a professional pirate...

Share this quote on facebook Sing it, lads! Show 'em you've been practicing!

Share this quote on facebook Upstage lads, this is my only number!

Share this quote on facebook [to Gonzo] It ain't no jokin' matter, hose-nose!

Share this quote on facebook Beware, lads, beware!

Share this quote on facebook Beware running with scissors, or any other pointy object! It's all in good fun until somebody loses an eye!

Share this quote on facebook Here they go again.

Share this quote on facebook He DIED? And this is supposed to be a kids movie!

Share this quote on facebook Billy Bones: Beware lads! Beware!
Jim Hawkins: What, the one-legged man?
Billy Bones: Aye. But also, beware runnin' with scissors or any other pointy object. It's all good fun, until somebody loses a - Ahhhh! [dies]
Jim Hawkins: Captain?
Gonzo: (Gulps)
Rizzo: We're standing in a room with a dead guy!!

Share this quote on facebook Mr. Arrow: Roll call! [reads from list] Long John Silver?
Long John Silver: Aye aye, sir!
Mr. Arrow: Short Stack Stevens?
Short Stack Stevens: Aye!
Mr. Arrow: One-Eyed Jack?
One-Eyed Jack: Aye.
Mr. Arrow: Black-Eyed Pea?
Black-Eyed Pea: Here.
Mr. Arrow: Walleyed Pike!
Walleyed Pike: Aye.
Mr. Arrow: Polly Lobster!
[Polly whistles]
Mr. Arrow: Mad Monty!
Mad Monte: Aye.
Mr. Arrow: Sweetums!
Sweetums: [from behind them] AYE.
[the captain and Mr. Arrow jump]
Mr. Arrow: ...Old Tom.
Old Tom: Aye aye.
Mr. Arrow: Real Old Tom.
[puppet controls Real Old Tom]
Real Old Tom: Aye!
Mr. Arrow: Dead Tom.
[same puppet controls a skeleton]
Dead Tom: Aye aye!!
[Captain Smollett shudders]
Gonzo: Cool!
Mr. Arrow: ...Clueless Morgan!
Clueless Morgan: Huh?
Mr. Arrow: Headless Bill! ...Headless Bill! [everyone's looking around; they spot a headless puppet saluting; officers stand aghast for a moment] Big Fat Ugly Bug-Faced Baby-Eating O'Brien?
Woman: [deep voice] Aye.
[officers jaws drop; they recover]
Mr. Arrow: Angel Marie.
Angel Marie: [an ugly creature] Aye. Aye.
Captain Smollett: Hmm... hmm... Gentlemen, may I see you in my cabin? Immediately?

Share this quote on facebook Captain Smollett: WHO HIRED THIS CREW?! This is undoubtedly the seediest bunch of cutthroats, villains and scoundrels I've ever seen, SO WHO HIRED 'EM?! [pants] [Jim and officers point at Trelawney, who in turn points at his finger] Your finger hired the crew?
Trelawney: No, that's silly. The man who lives in my finger hired the crew - Mr. Bimble. What? Ah. He relied heavily on the advice of our excellent cook, Long John Silver.
[Smollett slumps back in his chair]
Captain Smollett: Our cook, and a guy who lives in a bear's finger?
Trelawney: Exactly!
[Mr. Arrow faceplams]
Captain Smollett: I'm starting to worry about this voyage.

Share this quote on facebook Rizzo: What's wrong?
Gonzo: It just feels so weird.
Rizzo: You mean that Mr. Arrow's dead?
Gonzo: Yeah, that... and my pants are filled with starfish.
Rizzo: You and your hobbies.

Share this quote on facebook Statler: "Take a cruise," you said. "See the world," you said. Now here we are, stuck on the front of this stupid ship!
Waldorf: Well, it could be worse. We could be stuck in the audience!

Share this quote on facebook Mudwell the Mudbunny: [sobbing] Dead Tom's dead. Long John shot him!
Walleyed Pike: But Dead Tom's always been dead. That's why he's called Dead Tom.
Mudwell the Mudbunny: Oh.
[Mudwell tosses the Dead Tom puppet aside. Silver rolls his eyes.]

Share this quote on facebook Zoot: Hey, man. I can't figure out what side we're on. Are we with the pirates or the frog captain?
Floyd: Oh, hey, man. Just play the gig. Never get involved with politics.
Animal: Politics! Politics!

Share this quote on facebook Rizzo: Terrific. Captured by the crazed wild pigs and sacrificed hideously before a pagan altar.
Gonzo: Are we lucky or what?

Share this quote on facebook Gonzo: One leg, Jim. Count 'em, one.

Share this quote on facebook Benjamina Gunn: Of all the backwater, no-class piles of sand in the ocean, you had to wash up on mine.
Captain Abraham Smollett: Benjamina, I just want you to know that I'm sorry.
Benjamina Gunn: Sorry? No, "sorry" doesn't cut it. You left me standing at the altar!
Captain Abraham Smollett: I was on a ship headed for Zanzibar. I got cold feet.
Benjamina Gunn: You're a frog. You're supposed to have cold feet! My mother came all the way from France. I was wearing her white lace dress. The cake was filled with lemon custard!
Captain Abraham Smollett: Mina? Fate has brought us together again. Well, actually, buried treasure and pirates brought us together--
Benjamina Gunn: Don't you start with me about pirates! After you jilted me, I took up with this Bernie Flint. The man was totally co-dependent!
Captain Abraham Smollett: You and Captain Flint...?
Benjamina Gunn: Well, he was a pirate, I was a lady. You know the story. Smolley? He marooned me! MEEEEEE! (Starts sobbing)
Captain Abraham Smollett: Oh, this is all my fault! What have I done to you?

Share this quote on facebook Benjamina Gunn: All right. No More Ms. Nice Guy. No one maroons me and gets away with it!

Share this quote on facebook (Smollet is sword fighting Silver, and has been able to cut off parts of his clothing during it; Smollet contently swings his sword while casually humming)
Long John Silver: Excuse me!
Captain Smollet: Pardon? [Distracted, he loses his sword] Uh...I'm a frog. You know, slippery hands? [Silver gives an evil grin and points his sword at Smollet's throat] Erm... Y'know, I never really believed violence solved anything.
Long John Silver: Oh, really? Allow me to disagree with you, Captain.
Jim Hawkins: (appears with sword) Kill Catain Smollet and you'll have to kill me.
Gonzo: (also appears) Kill Jim and you'll have to kill me.
Trelawney: (also appears) Kill Gonzo and you'll have to kill me.
Rizzo: (also appears) Kill Squire Trelawney and Mr. Bimbo and you'll have to... negotiate strenuously.

Share this quote on facebook (Jim catches Silver escaping in the lifeboat)
Jim Hawkins: Silver!
Long John Silver: I suppose you'll be blowing the whistle on me now, won't you, Jim?
Jim Hawkins: I suppose I will. You have to return to Bristol to stand trial. (raises his whistle)
Long John Silver: Oh, I'm sorry, Jim. (aims his pistol at him) I got a terrible fear of hanging. We're shipmates, aren't we,Jim? Gentlemen of fortune, together. Give us one more chance? (Jim does not drop his whistle, Silver lowers his pistol) Oh, hell,Jim. I could never harm you. You're honest and brave and true. You didn't learn that from me.
Jim Hawkins: I learnt it from my friends, Mr Silver. Now take your oars and row away. I never want to see you again, ever.
Long John Silver: Oh, Jim! (he throws Jim his compass and rows off) 'Tis a shame, really. We'd have made a great team, Jim.

Share this quote on facebook Frederick Warder - Calico Jerry

Share this quote on facebook Harry Jones - Easy Pete

Share this quote on facebook Peter Geaves - Black Eyed Pea

Share this quote on facebook Danny Blackner - Short Stack Stevens