Ted (2012)

Share this quote on facebook Back off, Susan Boyle!

Share this quote on facebook Asian Man: What the hell you problem?! You breaka my wall, I breaka your wall!

Share this quote on facebook John and Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared, just grab your thunder buddy, and say these magic words: "Fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick! You can't get me thunder 'cause you're just God's farts!"

Share this quote on facebook Store Manager: So, you think you got what it takes?
Ted: I'll tell you what I got; your wife's pussy on my breath!
Store Manager: Nobody's ever talked to me like that before.
Ted: That's 'cause everyone's mouth is usually full of your wife's box!
Store Manager: You're hired.
Ted: Shit!

Share this quote on facebook Store Manager: You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public?
Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip last week. And I sold the parsnip to a family of four small children.
Store Manager: That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.
Ted: You've got a lot of problems, don't you?

Share this quote on facebook Ted: If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon.
John: Are you gonna do it?
Sam: I'm gonna punch through!
Ted: Come on Sam! Do it!!

Share this quote on facebook Rex: Lori, I need to see you in my office.
Lori: The thing is Rex, I have alot of work I need to get through.
Rex: Oh this is work I swear.
Lori: Ugh great.
Rex: Good luck then.

Share this quote on facebook Ted: There you are, John. There's some guy in your office is making out with that Van Wielder looking guy.
John: You know what, fuck you. I don't even wanna talk to you!
Ted: What?
John: Do you what just happened? Do you have any clue? My fucking life just ended!
Ted: Oh come on. She'll go home watching Bridget Jones something asshole. You'll talk to her tomorrow. Come on upstairs.
John: Are you even listening to me?! DID YOU GIVE ANY SHRED OF A SHIT?!?
Ted: ...Course I do, John. Thunder Buddies for life, remember?

Share this quote on facebook Ted: I saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex.
John: What?
Ted: I'm serious, John. I went over to talk to her and maybe take some of the heat off you, and there he was, picking her up. They were going to the Hatch Shell.
John: You're fucking unbelievable, you know that? I mean, how stupid do you think I am? If you think, by making shit like that up, you're gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her, you're out of your fucking mind...
Ted: Johnny, it's the truth, I'm telling you.
John: You know what? Get outta here...
Ted: You're acting like a cock, you know that?
John: What now?! I'm acting like a cock?!
Ted: Yes, you are. So shut your meat hole for a second and listen to me.
John: Huh?
Ted: Meat hole. No, that's not right, is it? No. Pudding hole? Is that what they say? No, that can't be that either right? Because, "'cause how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?!" Heh, Pink Floyd. Look, the point is you're blaming me for something that you did to yourself. Lori was right about you. You cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.
John: Oh, and you can?
Ted: I don't have to! I'm a fucking teddy bear! You know something? I didn't tie you up and drag you to that party. Alright? I wanted you to come because you're supposedly my best friend!
John: You can't stand there and say you haven't always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship! I mean, it works out so much better for you when you and I are getting fucked up on the couch at 9 AM, doesn't it?!
Ted: Listen to yourself! What am I, Emperor Ming here controlling your mind? That's your choice, John! And you know, by blaming me, you're just making yourself look like a pussy.
John: [Angered] You know, sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning when I was 8 years old, I wish I just got a Teddy Ruxpin.
Ted: Say that one more time.
John: TEDDY-RUX-FUCKING-PIN!

Share this quote on facebook Ted: [after coming back alive, appearing and sounding retarded] I'm alive, Johnny!
John: Oh, my god!
Ted: I'm alive! Your magical wish worked!
John: You're back! How did-
Ted: Yeah, I mean, when you filled me up, you put some of the stuffing in some of the wrong places, so I'm a little fucked up. But will you take care of me forever and ever? [turns out to be normal] Ha-ha! I'm just kidding ya! I just thought it'd be funny if you actually thought I was fuckin' retarded.
John: [laughing] You asshole!
Ted: Come 'ere, you bastard!

Share this quote on facebook Colton Shires - teenage John Bennett

Share this quote on facebook Bretton Manley - young John Bennett