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Ted 2 is a american film of genre Comedy directed by Seth MacFarlane released in USA on 26 june 2015 with Mark Wahlberg

Ted 2 (2015)

Ted 2
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Ted

Facebook Share this quote on facebook Sittin' out here in a public, jerkin' off? Where do you think you are, Red Lobster?

Dialogue

Facebook Share this quote on facebook Frank: You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.
Ted: I fucked her with a pack of Freedent. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.
Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.

Facebook Share this quote on facebook Customer: Hey.
Ted: Hello.
Customer: I'd, uh, like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
Ted: Uh, yeah. Yeah. A box of Trix?
Customer: Yes, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?
Ted: Well, I mean they say, uh, "Trix are for kids," in the commercials, so-
Customer: Uh-huh, uh-huh. And is that enforced by law?
Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge, no.
Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?
Ted: No, no, you-you should be fine.
Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child?
Ted: Uh, I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
Customer: Okay, I'm gonna bring these back to my apartment.
Ted: Uh, yeah, you'll be okay.
Customer: And, uh, I won't be followed?
Ted: Uh, no, that's not in our budget here.
Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.
Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.

Facebook Share this quote on facebook Ted: Shit. I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?
John: Yeah, go ahead.
Ted: Okay, thanks. [slides off the couch and walks into another room, then five seconds later, offscreen, yelling in shock] WHAT THE FUCK?!
John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter?! What happened?! What's going on?!
Ted: [views John's laptop] There's so much porn!
John: Well, what the hell are you doin' lookin' at my private shit?!
Ted: What are you talking about, "private shit"?! Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
John: Well, I've been meanin' to clear some of that out!
Ted: Jesus Chri--! Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rim Job"? "Counter-clockwise Rim Job"?
John: Yeah, well, sometimes you like seein' the tongue go the other way!
Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"?!
John: [breaks down] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right?! I need help!
Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!
John: Well, this is such a relief! You know, I'm so glad I'm finally caught! I wanted to be caught!
Ted: Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call, all right? You gotta get back out there, and meet somebody, because you are spiraling outta control here.
John: All right, all right. I will. Fine. Just stop lookin' at that shit, please!
Ted: Johnny, I mean it, all right? The next chick you meet, you are gettin' back in the game.
John: Fine. I got it. Done.
Ted: All right. Now let's get rid of this.
John: What, what do you mean? We'll just delete the files.
Ted: No, no, no, no. That shit can always be recovered. We gotta smash your laptop with a hammer.
[they smash John's laptop outside with a hammer and a crowbar]
John: All right, there, you happy?
Ted: No, the circuits could still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. We gotta bury it in the harbor.
[he and John bury the pieces of the laptop, contained within a plastic bag, in the harbor]
Ted: Okay. We'll come back once every three months, take a dive, and check on it.

Facebook Share this quote on facebook [Ted and John smoke from a bong with Samantha]
John: That weed's really good. Reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called, "Here Comes Autism."
Ted: Yeah, I was just going to say, it's sort of like this other batch we had called, "How Long Has That Van Been There?"
Samantha: No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called, "Help Me Get Home."

Facebook Share this quote on facebook John: Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy...
Ted: Clubber Lang!
John: FUCKING...

Facebook Share this quote on facebook Samantha: Okay, I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Are you ready?
Ted: Yup, bring it on.
Samantha: You're on the stand, the D.A. says "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?"
Ted: Objection!
John: Sustained!
Samantha: No, the witness can't object.
John: Overruled.
Ted: Sidebar.
John: Guilty!
Ted: Speculation.
John: Hearsay!
Ted: Bailiff.
John: Briefcase.
Ted: Disregard.
John: In my chambers.
Ted: Stop beavering the witness.
John: I rest.
Ted: We could totally be lawyers.
John: Bang.

Facebook Share this quote on facebook Ted: I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.
John: What?
Ted: I mean saying his name three times so he appears.
John: Are you fucking crazy, we don't want that guy running around here!
Ted: No it's be fine, he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
John: Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand! All right?! Cut the shit!

Facebook Share this quote on facebook Samantha: Do I have "fuck me" eyes?
Ted: No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.

Facebook Share this quote on facebook Donny: You know... I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they sing at the, uh, the Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along. [starts singing] Hands, touching hands, reaching out. Touching me, touching you. Sweet Caroline...
Ted: [suddenly sings out due to temptation] Bah bah bah! --FUCK! [Donny jumps to grab Ted and starts punching him] Crazy son of a bitch!
Vendor: Hey! What are you doin' to that bear?!
Donny: I'm sorry, I, uh...
Vendor: You better be planning on buying that!
Donny: He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
Vendor: Yeah, that's great. 40 dollars. [Donny goes to grab some cash]

Facebook Share this quote on facebook [last lines]
Ted: [off screen, disgusted] Oh! Fuck me!
Tami-Lynn: What's the matter?
Ted: That can't be normal! He's gotta be sick!
Tami-Lynn: He's not sick; it's just baby doodie.
John: Yeah, that's what babies do, Teddy.
Ted: Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross?
John: No.
Ted: All right, here. Catch. [throws diaper at John, offscreen, and a squish is heard]
John: [disgusted] OH, TEDDY! WHAT THE FUCK?! [everyone screams in disgust; Ted laughs] HOLY SHIT! OH, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!
Ted: [takes photo of John, offscreen] [typing] #shithappens.