In Stockholm, Sweden, journalist Mikael Blomkvist, co-owner of Millennium magazine, has lost a libel case brought against him by businessman Hans-Erik Wennerström. Lisbeth Salander, a brilliant but troubled investigator and hacker, compiles an extensive background check on Blomkvist for business magnate Henrik Vanger, who has a special task for him. In exchange for the promise of damning information about Wennerström, Blomkvist agrees to investigate the disappearance and assumed murder of Henrik's grandniece, Harriet, 40 years ago. After moving to the Vanger family's compound, Blomkvist uncovers a notebook containing a list of names and numbers that no one has been able to decipher.
Sixteen-year-old Minnesota high-schooler Juno MacGuff (Ellen Page) discovers she is pregnant with a child fathered by her friend and longtime admirer, Paulie Bleeker (Michael Cera). She initially considers an abortion. Going to a local clinic run by a women's group, she encounters outside a schoolmate who is holding a rather pathetic one-person pro-life vigil. Once inside, however, Juno is alienated by the clinic staff's authoritarian and bureaucratic attitudes. She is particularly offended by their calling her "sexually active", a term which she feels demeans the highly emotional event by which she became pregnant. All of this decides her against abortion, and she decides to give the baby up for adoption. With the help of her friend Leah (Olivia Thirlby), Juno searches the ads in the Pennysaver and finds a couple she feels will provide a suitable home. She tells her parents, Mac (J.K. Simmons) and stepmother, Bren (Allison Janney), who offer their support. With Mac, Juno meets the couple, Mark and Vanessa Loring (Jason Bateman and Jennifer Garner), in their expensive home and agrees to a closed adoption.
While on a date in a fancy restaurant with Michelle Flaherty, Jim Levenstein is ready to ask her to marry him. However, his dad still has to arrive with a ring because he forgot it. He tries to stall the question, causing her to think that he actually wants oral sex. She goes under the table and gives Jim fellatio just as Jim's dad arrives with the ring, causing her to bump her head on the table and attract the attention of the entire restaurant. Still, Michelle accepts the proposal.
Retired CIA field operative Bryan Mills attempts to build a closer relationship with his daughter, Kim, who lives with her mother, Lenore, and her wealthy stepfather, Stuart. While overseeing security at a concert for pop star Sheerah, Bryan saves her from a violent stalker. As a thank you, Sheerah offers to assess Kim's talent as a singer. Before Bryan can tell Kim, she asks her father for permission to travel to Paris with her best friend, Amanda. He initially refuses, but eventually agrees after Lenore pressures him. At the airport, he learns the girls are actually following U2 during their European tour, something Lenore knew but kept from him.
Former Army Ranger Cameron Poe is sentenced to prison for manslaughter for using excessive force on a drunk man while trying to protect his pregnant wife Tricia. Poe is paroled eight years later, and is to be released after being flown to Alabama on the Jailbird, a C-123K transport prison aircraft. Along with Poe are several other prisoners including his diabetic cellmate and friend Mike "Baby-O" O'Dell, who is being transferred (but not yet paroled) with Poe. The transfer is being overseen by U.S. Marshal Vince Larkin, as the transfer includes notorious criminal mastermind Cyrus "Cyrus The Virus" Grissom, gangster and Black Guerrilla member Nathan "Diamond Dog" Jones and mass murderer William "Billy Bedlam" Bedford for their transfer to a new Supermax prison. Larkin is approached at the last minute by DEA agents Duncan Malloy and Willie Sims, who ask for Sims to be brought aboard disguised as a prisoner so that he can extract more information from drug lord Francisco Cindino, a prisoner that is to be picked up at Carson City, Nevada en route. Larkin agrees, unaware that Malloy has hidden a gun on Sims' body.
Starting in a small section of the near South, both U.S. Army Captain James West and U.S. Marshal Artemus Gordon hunt for Confederate General "Bloodbath" McGrath, who is wanted for mass murder. It points back to when McGrath ordered a massacre in a settlement called New Liberty, where many of the freed slaves were murdered, including West's biological parents. The search leads to a brothel where the two try (unsuccessfully) to arrest him. It leads to a huge brawl and a cart of nytroglycerin crashing into the building that starts a fire. Both West and Gordon, the latter dressed as a woman, escape.
Alison Scott (Katherine Heigl) is a career-minded woman who has just been given an on-air role with E! and is living in the pool house with her sister Debbie's (Leslie Mann) family. Ben Stone (Seth Rogen) is laid-back and sardonic. He lives off funds received in compensation for an injury and sporadically works on a celebrity porn website with his roommates (Jay Baruchel, Jonah Hill, Jason Segel and Martin Starr), in between smoking marijuana or going off with them at theme parks such as Knott's Berry Farm. While celebrating her promotion, Alison meets Ben at a local nightclub. After a night of drinking, they end up having sex. Due to a misunderstanding, they don't use protection: Alison uses the phrase "Just do it already" to encourage Ben to put the condom on, but he misinterprets this to mean to dispense with using one. The following morning, they quickly learn over breakfast that they have little in common and go their separate ways, which leaves Ben visibly upset.
In New York City, high-strung equity trader Joy Ellis McNally (Cameron Diaz) is dumped by her fiancé at a surprise birthday party she throws for him. At the same time, easy-going carpenter Jack Fuller (Ashton Kutcher) is fired from his job by his father, Jack, Sr. (Treat Williams). Both become emotionally distraught and, with best friends Toni "Tipper" (Lake Bell), a bartender, and Jeff "Hater" (Rob Corddry), a lawyer, take a debauched trip to Las Vegas.
Jane (Meryl Streep), who owns a successful bakery in Santa Barbara, California, and Jake Adler (Alec Baldwin), a successful attorney, divorced ten years earlier. They had three children together, two girls and a boy, who are grown. Jake, who was cheating on Jane, married the much younger Agness (Lake Bell).
Elizabeth Halsey is an immoral, gold-digging Chicago-area middle school teacher who curses at her students, drinks heavily, smokes marijuana, and shows movies while sleeping through class. She plans to quit teaching and marry her wealthy fiancé, Mark, but when he dumps her after learning she is only after his money, Elizabeth must resume her job. She tries to win over substitute teacher Scott Delacorte, who is also wealthy because his family runs a watch company. Amy Squirrel, a dedicated but overly enthusiastic colleague, also pursues Scott while the school's gym teacher, Russell Gettis, makes it clear that he likes Elizabeth romantically; she, however, is not interested in him.
John Bennett (Mark Wahlberg) has been divorced from Lori Collins for six months due to her not accepting Ted (Seth MacFarlane) again despite her wish in bringing Ted back to life. Meanwhile, Ted marries his girlfriend, Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth). One year later, their marriage is beginning to break down so they decide to have a child. As Ted cannot have children, John agrees to help Ted find a sperm donor. They ask Sam J. Jones, but he refuses due to a low sperm count. Then they try unsuccessfully to break into Tom Brady's house and steal his sperm. Ultimately, John offers to donate his sperm (something that Ted wanted to ask him but hesitated due to John's divorce).
In the summer of 1963, Frances "Baby" Houseman (Jennifer Grey) is vacationing with her affluent Jewish American family at Kellerman's, a family friendly resort in the Catskill Mountains. The younger of two daughters, Baby is planning to attend Mount Holyoke College to study the economics of underdeveloped countries and then enter the Peace Corps. She was named after Frances Perkins, the first woman in the U.S. Cabinet. Her father, Jake (Jerry Orbach), is the personal physician and friend of Max Kellerman (Jack Weston), the resort's owner. Baby is befriended by Max's smart aleck grandson Neil (Lonny Price).
A Baker and his Wife wish for a child but suffer under a curse laid upon the Baker's family by a Witch who found the Baker's father robbing her garden when his mother was pregnant. The Baker's father also stole some beans which caused the Witch's mother to punish her with the curse of ugliness. The Witch offers to lift the curse, but only if the Baker and his Wife obtain four critical items for her: a cow as white as milk, a cape as red as blood, hair as yellow as corn, and a slipper as pure as gold.