Spaceballs (1987)

Share this quote on facebook [in tiny print]: If you can read this, you don't need glasses.

Share this quote on facebook Opening Scene-Dark Helmet strides into main control room of Spaceball 1; suddedenly he opens the visor: I Cant Breathe IN this thing!

Share this quote on facebook So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.

Share this quote on facebook [Lone Starr: All right. I'll try.] [aiming his Schwartz ring at Lone Starr's crotch] Say goodbye to your two best friends, and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.

Share this quote on facebook [ogling Dr. Philip Schlotckens' nurse] I bet she gives great helmet.

Share this quote on facebook Now, Commence operation [pause] "Vacu-Suck"! (vacuum switches on)

Share this quote on facebook Shit! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted!

Share this quote on facebook It's either the 4th of July or someone's trying to kill us!

Share this quote on facebook Here I am! I'm sorry! I had to make a pit stop! I'm so excited that I couldn't hold my oil.

Share this quote on facebook [Commanderette Zircon calls him on a video monitor in his bathroom] I told you never to call me on this wall! This is an unlisted wall!

Share this quote on facebook [after beaming to the bridge, his head is on backwards] Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?!

Share this quote on facebook [winded after running down the bridge] The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie will be over.

Share this quote on facebook [When the self-destruct siren is going off] Where the hell are we, Paris?!?

Share this quote on facebook Sandurz, Sandurz! You got to help me! I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions! I'm a president!

Share this quote on facebook [To Helmet and Sandurz] One pod left and three of us, and I'm the president. Well boys it's a very lovely ship, I think you should go down with it. Goodbye. What the hell's the matter with this seat belt? AHHH! [referring to the bear that was already in the seat]

Share this quote on facebook Spaceballs? Forget it, too dangerous. Besides, I'm already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hit list.

Share this quote on facebook On this ship, you are to refer to me as "idiot," not "you captain"! I mean - you know what I mean!

Share this quote on facebook [waking up on the Tatooine-like moon of Vega and surrounded by the Dinks] ...Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?

Share this quote on facebook [Talking to Barf after King Roland calls them to rescue Vespa] We're not just doing this for money...We're doing it for a shitload of money!

Share this quote on facebook [Talking on the Winnebago intercom to the passengers] Buckle up back there, we're going into..."Hyperactive"!

Share this quote on facebook Listen, you royal...highness. Take only what you need to survive. [Later, we see Lone Starr and Barf carrying the whole 'Royal Highness' Matched Luggage' across the desert...]

Share this quote on facebook You know what Princess, you're ugly when you're angry...

Share this quote on facebook Look your highness, it's not that we're afraid, far from it. It's just that we've got this thing about death; it's not us.

Share this quote on facebook I'm a Mawg. Half-man, half-dog. I'm my own best friend.

Share this quote on facebook [Indicating the suitcases] It's her royal highness's matched luggage!

Share this quote on facebook Well, normally I would-- [tries to get up with his seatbelt still on] Oooh! That's gonna leave a mark.

Share this quote on facebook Nice dissolve.

Share this quote on facebook I'll have the cleavage, I mean the special.

Share this quote on facebook King Roland: Please bring her back safely! [pause] And if it's at all possible, try to save the car. [whispers] It's not insured...

Share this quote on facebook King Roland: I'm breathing! Air! AIR!!!

Share this quote on facebook Druidian Priest: Excuse me. I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet!

Share this quote on facebook Druidian Priest: We are here to join these two together in holy—MOLY!!

Share this quote on facebook Dark Helmet, Skroob, and Sandurz: [watching Mega Maid vacuum up Druidia's air] Suck...suck...suck! (vacuum also picks up snow and trees)

Share this quote on facebook Captain of the Guard: You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles!

Share this quote on facebook Princess Vespa: It's my industrial-strength hair-dryer, and I can't live without it!

Share this quote on facebook Placemat in Diner reads: Spaceballs the Placemat; one of several references to film merchandising.

Share this quote on facebook President Scroob's sheet reads: "Spaceballs The Sheet"; yet another reference to film merchandising

Share this quote on facebook President Skroob's toilet paper roll reads: "Spaceballs The Toilet Paper" on all the sheets.

Share this quote on facebook The towel seen when Lone Starr and Dark Helmet fight reads: "Spaceballs the Towel"

Share this quote on facebook Newsman: On a sadder note, Pizza the Hutt was found dead earlier today in the back seat of his stretch limo. Evidently, the notorious gangster became locked in his car and ate himself to death.

Share this quote on facebook Vinnie: [To Pizza the Hutt] Mmmmm! You're delicious.

Share this quote on facebook The bumper sticker on Spaceball One reads: "WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY"

Share this quote on facebook The bumper sticker on Eagle 5 reads: "I [heart] URANUS"

Share this quote on facebook The license plate on Vespa's Mercedes reads: "SPOIL'D ROTT'N I"

Share this quote on facebook Colonel Sandurz: Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball.
Dark Helmet: [to audience] Everybody got that? Good!

Share this quote on facebook Colonel Sandurz: We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
Rico: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
Dark Helmet: [slams down the phone and turns to Rico; stunned and angry] What? You went over my helmet?!
Rico: Well, not exactly over, sir. Uh, m-m-more to the side. I'll always call you first, it'll never happen again. Never, ever! [Dark Helmet puts on Schwartz ring] Oh, shit! No-no-no-no! No-no-no-no! Please! Please! Please! No! No! N-not that! [clutches his throat thinking that Dark Helmet is going to choke him using the Schwartz]
Dark Helmet: Yes. "That". [fires a blast from his ring that hits Rico's groin instead, causing him extreme pain]

Share this quote on facebook [Lone Starr parks the Winnebago in an illegal parking space]
Guard 1: Hey, what the Hell is that thing?!
Guard 2: Looks like a Winnebago with wings!
Guard 1: Jeez! Hey! You can't park here!
Guard 2: Yeah! Can't you guys read? [gestures to a "No Parking" sign] No parking! [Barf exits the Winnebago, and flips off the Guards while making kissing noises]
Guard 1: That son of a--! [loads gun; approaches Winnebago] All right, hands up! You're under arrest for illegal parking!
Guard 2: Yeah! [they enter and get knocked unconscious]

Share this quote on facebook President Skroob: Helmet, what's going on?
Dark Helmet: Sandurz, what's going on?
Colonel Sandurz: It's Mega Maid! She's gone from suck to blow!
President Skroob: What?! They're getting all their air back! Do something!
Dark Helmet: Do something!
Colonel Sandurz: [into the microphone] Do something!

Share this quote on facebook Guard 1: Hey! [camera shows he and Guard 2 are dressed only in boxers and undershirts, and sporting black eyes.] Those are the guys that stole our uniforms!
Guard 2: And beat the shit out of us, too!

Share this quote on facebook Lone Starr: I wonder, will we ever see each other again?
Yogurt: Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.

Share this quote on facebook Computer: This ship will self-destruct in 20 seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.
Skroob: "Cancellation button"?! Hurry!
Dark Helmet: Where is it?! Where is it?!
Colonel Sandurz: It's gotta be here!
[They open a housing, where the button has an "Out of Order" tag on it]
Dark Helmet: [angrily] "Out of order"?! Fuck! Even in the FUTURE, nothing works!
Computer: This ship will self-destruct in exactly 10 seconds. [everyone recoils in fear] Counting down. 10, 9, 8, 6--
Skroob: 6?! What happened to 7?!
Computer: Just kidding!
[They all growl in annoyance]
Princess Vespa: [to Lone Starr] There's the other end! Faster!
[Lone Starr makes the Winnebago go faster]
Computer: [Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, and President Skroob mouth the numbers in horror] 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. [They all close their eyes and grimace] Have a nice day.
Colonel Sandurz, Dark Helmet, President Skroob: [they open their eyes] Thank you. [they close their eyes again]

Share this quote on facebook Dark Helmet: No, we can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz. It's far too powerful.
Sandurz: But, sir, what about your ring? Don't you have the Schwartz, too?
Dark Helmet: Naw, he got the upside, I got the downside. See, there's two sides to every Schwartz.

Share this quote on facebook Dark Helmet: Fire a warning shot across her nose.
[Warning shots almost hit Vespa's Benz]
Dark Helmet: Careful, you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!
Gunner: [lifts helmet, revealing that he's cross-eyed] Sorry, sir! I'm doing my best!
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major Asshole: I did, sir. He's my cousin. [Major Asshole is also cross-eyed]
Dark Helmet: [to Sandurz] Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an Asshole, sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that. What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name, sir. Asshole. Major Asshole.
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an Asshole too, sir. Gunner's mate, First Class, Philip Asshole.
Dark Helmet: How many Assholes have we got on this ship, anyhow?
[the entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand, except for one person]
Bridge Crew: YO!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes. [Closes helmet] Keep firing, Assholes!

Share this quote on facebook Skroob: Ah, Planet Druidia, and 10,000 years of fresh air.
Dark Helmet: [whispers to Colonel Sandurz] The way he runs things, it won't last 100.
Skroob: What was that?!
Dark Helmet: Nothing!

Share this quote on facebook Dark Helmet: [after accidentally hitting and killing one of the filming crew members with his Schwartzsaber] Um, he did it. [points to Lone Starr]
Lone Starr: What?!

Share this quote on facebook Princess Vespa: I'm not shooting this thing! I hate guns! [one of the incoming laser blasts singes part of her hair] My hair! He shot my hair! That son of a bitch! [Vespa proceeds to blast every guard Rambo-style]
Barf: Holy shit!
Vespa: [blows smoke from gun barrel] How was that?
Lone Starr: Not bad!
Barf: Not bad, for a girl.
Dot Matrix: Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo!
Vespa: Let's blow this joint!

Share this quote on facebook Priest: Who are you?
Barf: I'm the best man.
Priest: What's your name?
Barf: Barf.
Priest: Your full name!
Barf: Barfolomew!
Priest: Are you the one that's getting married?
Barf: No.
Priest: THEN GET OVER THERE!

Share this quote on facebook Priest: Okay, here we go. The short, short version! Do you?
Vespa: Yes.
Priest: Do you?
Lone Starr: Yes.
Priest: Good! You're married! Kiss her!
Lone Starr: I love you.
Vespa: I love you.
[they kiss]
Dot Matrix: Well, [sniffles] good-bye, Virgin Alarm.

Share this quote on facebook [Lone Starr, Barf, Dot Matrix, and Vespa are making a long trek across the desert]
Lone Starr: Water. Water!
Barf: [with tongue out] Water. Water!
Dot Matrix: Oil. Oil!
Vespa: Room service. Room service!

Share this quote on facebook [When Lone Starr and Vespa are about to kiss, Dot Matrix's Virgin Alarm goes off]
Barf: Abandon ship! ABANDON SHIP! Women and Mawgs first! AGHH!
Dot Matrix: We'll have none of that, mister! [to Vespa] How far did he get? What'd he touch, what'd he touch?
Vespa: Nothing happened!
Lone Starr: [annoyed] What the Hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix: That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do.

Share this quote on facebook Vespa: Who are you?
Barf: Barf!
Dot Matrix: Not in here, mister! This is a Mercedes!

Share this quote on facebook King Roland:1
Dark Helmet: 1
Colonel Sandurz:1
King Roland:2
Dark Helmet: 2
Colonel Sandurz:2
King Roland:3
Dark Helmet: 3
Colonel Sandurz:3
King Roland:4
Dark Helmet: 4
Colonel Sandurz:4
King Roland:5
Dark Helmet: 5
Colonel Sandurz:5
Dark Helmet: So the combination is 1-2-3-4-5? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
[Cut to President Skroob walking in]
Skroob: What's the combination?
Colonel Sandurz: 1-2-3-4-5.
Skroob: 1-2-3-4-5? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage! [Colonel Sandurz and Dark Helmet give each other a look] Prepare Spaceball I for immediate departure!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir.
Skroob: And change the combination on my luggage!

Share this quote on facebook Dark Helmet: [imitating Dark Helmet doll] So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to!
Dark Helmet: [Vespa doll] No! No, please, leave me alone!
Dark Helmet: [Helmet Doll] No, you are mine!
Dark Helmet: [Lone Starr doll] Not so fast, Helmet!
Dark Helmet: [Helmet Doll] Lone Starr!
Dark Helmet: [Lone Starr doll] Yes, it's me, and I'm here to save my girlfriend! Hi, honey!
Dark Helmet: [Helmet doll] Now you are going to die! [smacks Lone Starr doll with Dark Helmet doll]
Dark Helmet: [Lone Starr Doll] Oh! Oh! Ohh!
Dark Helmet: [Barf doll] Hey, what did you do to my friend?!
Dark Helmet: [Helmet doll] The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy! [knocks Barf over]
Dark Helmet: [Barf doll] Arrgh! Ohh!
Dark Helmet: [Helmet doll] And you, too! [knocks Dot doll over]
Dark Helmet: [Dot doll] Aaargh!
Dark Helmet: [Helmet doll] Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone!
Dark Helmet: [Vespa Doll] No, no, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, leave me alone! And yet, I find you strangely attractive.
Dark Helmet: [Helmet doll] Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and power, and I have both, and you know it!
Dark Helmet: [Vespa doll] No, I hate you, leave me alone!
Dark Helmet: [Helmet doll] No, kiss me!
Dark Helmet: [Vespa doll] No, no, yes.
Dark Helmet: [Helmet doll] No.
Dark Helmet: [Vespa doll] Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, oh, ohh... ohhhh, your helmet is so big.
Colonel Sandurz: [barges in] Lord Helmet!
Dark Helmet: [startled, hiding his action figures] WHAT?!
Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge, sir!
Dark Helmet: [unfathomably embarrassed] KNOCK ON MY DOOR! KNOCK NEXT TIME!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!
Dark Helmet: [pause] Did you see anything?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!
Dark Helmet: Good!

Share this quote on facebook Commanderette Zircon: Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?
President Skroob: [Hesitates] I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?
Commanderette Zircon: Oh, yes, sir, Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.

Share this quote on facebook Dark Helmet: [after catching Vespa's car] Now, we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy! [a Spaceball soldier loads his gun] Hold it, I will handle this personally!
Soldier: [stands aside] Jawohl, Lord Helmet! [Dark Helmet looks at him, then heads to the car]
Dark Helmet: So, Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of planet Spaceball, well you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and will be held hostage until such time, as all of the air is transferred from your planet to ours. [opens door to the car and looks around, he lifts his mask up] She's not in there! [immediately all Spaceball soldiers in the room and Colonel Sandurz drop their guns and cover their groins]
Radar Man: Radar repaired, sir. We're picking up the outline of a...Winnebago.
Dark Helmet: Winnebago? Lone Starr. [bangs his fist on the car side] Lone Sta-- [car's door slams on top of his helmet]

Share this quote on facebook Dark Helmet: [about to enter a pod when a lady with a beard cuts in front of him] Hey-hey-hey, that's my escape pod, who are you?!
Bearded Lady: I'm the bearded lady! What are you, one of the freaks?! [kicks him and gets in the pod, laughing]
Dark Helmet: Wait, come back! That's my pod! No! [the pod ejects] Come back, you fat-bearded bitch!

Share this quote on facebook Lone Starr: I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.
Yogurt: Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!

Share this quote on facebook [Vinnie appears on Lone Starr's video screen]
Lone Starr: Hello, Vinnie. What do you want?
Vinnie: No-no-no-no-no. [twitches slightly] It's not what I want, it's what he wants.
[camera shifts slowly to the right to see Pizza the Hutt laughing]
Lone Starr and Barf: Pizza the Hutt!
Pizza the Hutt: [belches] Well, if it isn't Lone Starr, and his sidekick, Puke.
Barf: That's Barf.
Pizza the Hutt: Barf, Puke, whatever. Where's my money?
Lone Starr: Don't worry, Pizza. You'll have it by next week.
Pizza the Hutt: No, no, I gotta have it by tomorrow.
Lone Starr: 100,000 spacebucks? By tomorrow?
Pizza the Hutt: 100,000?! Ha-ha-ha! No way! You forgot late charges which brings it up to, uh... 1,000,000 spacebucks.
Lone Starr: 1,000,000?! That's unfair!
Pizza the Hutt: Unfair to the pay-or, but not to the pay-ee. Ha-ha-ha. But you're gonna pay it, or else.
Barf: Or else what?
Pizza the Hutt: Tell them, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Or else, Pizza is gonna send out for you.

Share this quote on facebook May The Schwartz Be With You.

Share this quote on facebook Once Upon A Time Warp In Deep Space, The Struggle Between The Nice & The Rotten Goes On...

Share this quote on facebook Revenge Of The Schtick

Share this quote on facebook OH NO! A SEQUEL MOVES!

Share this quote on facebook Schwartz v.s Gremlins.

Share this quote on facebook Guess Who's Back?

Share this quote on facebook Coming Soon....ish?!