The story begins with Cora (Helena Bonham Carter) and Ellen (Gina McKee), two women in their thirties who are living in Edinburgh. While they are getting ready at a mirror they begin to discuss life and romance. The story then catapults itself into the past before the two women met and where their story really begins.
The Stooges are singing waiters in a saloon out West, accompanied by three cowgirls. Unfortunately, saloon keeper Maxey (Dick Curtis) is surly and patronizing to the hard working girls. The girls have little choice, as they are forced to work for him because their father is in debt. The Stooges vow to make enough money to pay off the debt and wed the girls, and decide to go prospecting for gold.
Two best friends who live together in a caravan park discover that their favourite soap opera is about to be cancelled. They go on a quest to save the show.
In the fictional country of Moronika, three munitions manufacturers—Messrs. Ixnay (Richard Fiske), Onay (Dick Curtis) and Amscray (Don Beddoe)—decide their country is in need of a change. They decide to implement a dictatorship, oust the king, and go about finding someone stupid enough to be a figurehead leader. Ixnay volunteers the three wallpaper hangers simultaneously working in his dining room—the Stooges.
Hubie, a shy, gullible but kindhearted penguin, is in love with the beautiful and kind Marina, but lacks self-confidence leading him to be bullied by the much more impressive, but vain and cruel Drake, who also wants Marina, but clearly for lust. One night, Hubie and Marina manage to confirm how they feel for each other, but Hubie cannot quite find a perfect pebble to propose to Marina with. He wishes on a star to make his dream come true and he receives an emerald from the sky. Ecstatic, Hubie rushes to find Marina but is stopped by Drake, who demands Hubie to give him the pebble. Hubie refuses, so Drake throws him into the water. Hubie narrowly escapes from a leopard seal and climbs on to a piece of ice where he is swept away from Antarctica.
John Tunstall (Terence Stamp), an educated Englishman and cattle rancher in Lincoln County, New Mexico, hires wayward young gunmen to live and work on his ranch. Tunstall is in heavy competition with a well-connected Irishman named Lawrence Murphy (Jack Palance), who owns a large ranch; their men clash on a regular basis. Tunstall recruits Billy (Emilio Estevez) and advises him to renounce violence saying that "He who sows the wind will reap the whirlwind." Tensions escalate between the two camps, resulting in the murder of Tunstall. Billy, Doc Scurlock (Kiefer Sutherland), Jose Chavez y Chavez (Lou Diamond Phillips), Richard M. "Dick" Brewer (Charlie Sheen), "Dirty" Steve Stephens (Dermot Mulroney), and Charlie Bowdre (Casey Siemaszko), consult their lawyer friend Alexander McSween (Terry O'Quinn), who manages to get them deputized and given warrants for the arrest of Murphy's murderous henchmen.
Septuagenarian best friends Fred Ballinger and Mick Boyle are on vacation in the Swiss Alps, staying at a luxury resort. Fred is a retired composer of classical music; at the hotel, he is approached by an emissary for Queen Elizabeth II to perform his popular piece "Simple Songs" at Prince Philip's birthday concert. Fred turns down the offer, claiming he is not interested in performing anymore – although he still composes pieces in his head when alone. Mick is a filmmaker, and is working with a group of writers to develop the screenplay for his latest film, which he calls his "testament". Also with them is actor Jimmy Tree, who is researching for an upcoming role and frustrated that he is only remembered for his role as a robot. The hotel is inhabited by other quirky individuals, including a young masseuse, an overweight Maradona, and Miss Universe.